The human brain is a complex thing, some tell me. I'm not sure that's always true. For every person, there is a point when your thoughts are simple, laid out for you, even if most of the time you need a supercomputer to decipher half of what you're thinking. But what I find most fascinating of all, are the thoughts not based on reality, but your own imagination.
For me, my imagination is the thing that does me the most harm in this world. It makes me feel pain worse than I should, and brings to life the darkest images from books. A movie could never scare me the same as I can with a book and my mind. But it also does me harm in pleasanter ways. Every time I get my hopes up and prepare to have wonderful experiences, imagining every last detail, I get blown away with disappointment. Not always, I often over-imagine things to the negative side as well and when that's what I expect, things will turn out to be a lot better.
Apparently I am so susceptible to my imagination and I blow things so out of proportion because I have such a great imagination. That just makes it harder to sort out my thoughts, not even knowing the difference between my dreams and reality sometimes. Sometimes I think of things too well, all the little details, that I make myself believe what happened was real. Most of the time it isn't ordinary things that cloud my mind from reality, but when its something like this morning, then I really can fool myself for a while.
I wasn't feeling well so I slept in for an extra hour and fell asleep (don't worry I wasn't late for school). When I was sleeping I actually dreamed that I got dressed and that my father took me to school. So when I woke up it was really disorienting to find myself back in my room. Then I got up, and tried to find the clothes I had changed into in my dream, but I could only find shirts of similar style, not colour. Oh well. The point is, I actually dreamed a realistic situation and was coaxed into trying to retrace my footsteps for a while. It scared me so much, that my subconscious or whatever had this much power over my confused thoughts and actions, that I actually asked my father to go a different route from my dream.
But can I actually wrench the control of my thoughts from my own brain? What else is there left to control it them? My heart? I don't think so. I place different values on how my thoughts and emotions play on my actions, despite the fact that sometimes they get a little mixed up together. I guess we all just have to face our overactive brains working 100 percent even while we sleep and hope they are on our side. Humanity's side.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Fear is the Arrowhead of My Life's Spear
In the words of Yoda, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." That is one of the lines I remember most from Star Wars. I don't know why; I guess it touches something deep and primal within each and everyone of us. What I want to pinpoint on is though, is the part about fear. Not about where it leads us, but about how it gives us the drive to move along any "path" at all.
You see we fear the unknown, something that holds many possibilities. Fear is what makes us take risks and what propels us away from the bad experiences, onto the good. Sometimes I think of how lunatics are described. A wild look in their eyes and a drive to do things they wouldn't normally do. But then those who are afraid are sometimes said to have that same wild look and you can't say that those with fear in their hearts aren't possessed to do crazy things.
Perhaps fear can be an excuse for insanity. But now I am back to square one. Yoda is right; fear leads to suffering, madness, the dark side. I just can't accept that. This past week I have been more afraid than I care to admit, and about multiple things too. All of my fears would seem silly to anybody else. Somehow though, I am able to tell myself that I did the brave thing in accepting that I am afraid. I suppose, if I had the courage, I could face my fears or turn them against others like Batman did in Christopher Nolan's Batman Begins. And then I think of those who go off to war, or are in some other peril. I am sure they are all afraid, but it is the ones who let fear push them from behind, acknowledge its there, and resist the urge to look over their shoulder for the boogieman that keep their heads. Those who run from their own fear, are the ones who run into death, go mad.
Maybe Yoda believes that death is the only way to escape the fear that would otherwise propel you to do great things. Or that we should never have any to begin with. Isn't learning how to defeat the things we fear the way we learn to overcome fear itself and finally be the brave heroes Yoda wants us to be? How can anybody be deemed courageous if the entire world knows no fear? As for myself, I know I would never read a book or watch a movie in my life if I wasn't afraid of my own life. The lives of others is the only place I can escape to, knowing for certain that the fears in those stories aren't real. For me, there would be no exploration of other human minds. No social interactions, eager questions, or even a blog if I wasn't afraid of my own thoughts. And yet still sometimes, I end up bringing fears from novels and films into my own life and believing them. That's when I get my real motivation.
You see we fear the unknown, something that holds many possibilities. Fear is what makes us take risks and what propels us away from the bad experiences, onto the good. Sometimes I think of how lunatics are described. A wild look in their eyes and a drive to do things they wouldn't normally do. But then those who are afraid are sometimes said to have that same wild look and you can't say that those with fear in their hearts aren't possessed to do crazy things.
Perhaps fear can be an excuse for insanity. But now I am back to square one. Yoda is right; fear leads to suffering, madness, the dark side. I just can't accept that. This past week I have been more afraid than I care to admit, and about multiple things too. All of my fears would seem silly to anybody else. Somehow though, I am able to tell myself that I did the brave thing in accepting that I am afraid. I suppose, if I had the courage, I could face my fears or turn them against others like Batman did in Christopher Nolan's Batman Begins. And then I think of those who go off to war, or are in some other peril. I am sure they are all afraid, but it is the ones who let fear push them from behind, acknowledge its there, and resist the urge to look over their shoulder for the boogieman that keep their heads. Those who run from their own fear, are the ones who run into death, go mad.
Maybe Yoda believes that death is the only way to escape the fear that would otherwise propel you to do great things. Or that we should never have any to begin with. Isn't learning how to defeat the things we fear the way we learn to overcome fear itself and finally be the brave heroes Yoda wants us to be? How can anybody be deemed courageous if the entire world knows no fear? As for myself, I know I would never read a book or watch a movie in my life if I wasn't afraid of my own life. The lives of others is the only place I can escape to, knowing for certain that the fears in those stories aren't real. For me, there would be no exploration of other human minds. No social interactions, eager questions, or even a blog if I wasn't afraid of my own thoughts. And yet still sometimes, I end up bringing fears from novels and films into my own life and believing them. That's when I get my real motivation.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Contagious
I have a cough still and I suppose somebody else might catch it from me. Yawns are contagious too. Apparently even if you imagine somebody else yawning you have a high chance of yawning as well. Go ahead try it. It worked for me. Twice.
Emotions can also be contagious. You see somebody cry and you immediately become sad for them. Somebody skips down the hall with a grin on their face and minutes later you are whistling away. Whether it is by imitation or empathy I do not know, but everything seems to catch on very quick in my sort of society.
Depression is something I really don't like catching from others and yet it seems to be highly contagious whenever I notice it. People can really put me in a low mood for a very long time if they are stressed or hurtful or depressed themselves. And the worst part is this usually happens because I can't help them. Which means it is the same type of depression I get where I can't help myself.
So how do you get out of an emotional rut? There is no medication to fix depression. Oh wait scratch that, there are pills for that now I believe. But, a quote my father uses often is "I would rather stop the disease than the symptoms" and that is true for me too. I guess the only way is to keep it to yourself, to stop the spread, but then it will never be fixed. That's a tough one. Put it in quarantine or risk being exposed for a chance at ridding somebody of it?
Emotions can also be contagious. You see somebody cry and you immediately become sad for them. Somebody skips down the hall with a grin on their face and minutes later you are whistling away. Whether it is by imitation or empathy I do not know, but everything seems to catch on very quick in my sort of society.
Depression is something I really don't like catching from others and yet it seems to be highly contagious whenever I notice it. People can really put me in a low mood for a very long time if they are stressed or hurtful or depressed themselves. And the worst part is this usually happens because I can't help them. Which means it is the same type of depression I get where I can't help myself.
So how do you get out of an emotional rut? There is no medication to fix depression. Oh wait scratch that, there are pills for that now I believe. But, a quote my father uses often is "I would rather stop the disease than the symptoms" and that is true for me too. I guess the only way is to keep it to yourself, to stop the spread, but then it will never be fixed. That's a tough one. Put it in quarantine or risk being exposed for a chance at ridding somebody of it?
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Social Interdependence
Help. We all love to give it to others and we all need it from each other. It makes us feel good when he can show someone we are not worthless but a lot of the time we have to swallow our pride because we aren't strong enough to go it alone. I saw a lot of that today, how people needed other people, to give or receive assistance.
For instance, one of my friends is dealing with some personal problems at the moment and he really appreciated me just listening. I didn't really have any advice except to tell him that what he was doing was the right thing and somehow I know (or hope) that I did some good for him by giving him the encouragement and a little faith. We all need each other when it comes to our own problems, even if we don't like to admit it.
I had my own "problem" today. My friends and I were tossing a football around and me, being the clumsy klutz that I am, couldn't not throw the football very well at first. So one of my friends came over and showed me exactly the proper technique. Even though I was a little embarrassed that suddenly I couldn't throw and it didn't work at first, she really helped me out. As we kept going I slowly improved on my throwing and she didn't feel the need to give me any more pointers. Sure, I still through a couple of wonky passes, but overall it was like how I used to be. But the important part was the way she, and a couple of my other friends almost jumped at the opportunity to show me how to do it. While helping me, they got to show that they are good at something and are even good enough to make others better.
I think we all depend on each other in two ways. We either need real help and encouragement, or we need a little boost in our own self-esteem to keep us going. There are two sides to every "Lean on Me" situation and surprisingly, they both sort of work the same. Same effects at least. We feel better about ourselves in a good, friendly, confidence-boosting kind of way. That's what help is about, right? We improve and understand that what we are doing is right. So I guess what I am trying to say is, that when you help someone, you help yourself as well.
For instance, one of my friends is dealing with some personal problems at the moment and he really appreciated me just listening. I didn't really have any advice except to tell him that what he was doing was the right thing and somehow I know (or hope) that I did some good for him by giving him the encouragement and a little faith. We all need each other when it comes to our own problems, even if we don't like to admit it.
I had my own "problem" today. My friends and I were tossing a football around and me, being the clumsy klutz that I am, couldn't not throw the football very well at first. So one of my friends came over and showed me exactly the proper technique. Even though I was a little embarrassed that suddenly I couldn't throw and it didn't work at first, she really helped me out. As we kept going I slowly improved on my throwing and she didn't feel the need to give me any more pointers. Sure, I still through a couple of wonky passes, but overall it was like how I used to be. But the important part was the way she, and a couple of my other friends almost jumped at the opportunity to show me how to do it. While helping me, they got to show that they are good at something and are even good enough to make others better.
I think we all depend on each other in two ways. We either need real help and encouragement, or we need a little boost in our own self-esteem to keep us going. There are two sides to every "Lean on Me" situation and surprisingly, they both sort of work the same. Same effects at least. We feel better about ourselves in a good, friendly, confidence-boosting kind of way. That's what help is about, right? We improve and understand that what we are doing is right. So I guess what I am trying to say is, that when you help someone, you help yourself as well.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Distancing Yourself from Yourself
Have you ever been super scared? Of something that you yourself planned on doing? There are always those moments when you decide to do something, make it clear to the world how you are feeling, etc. And then, when the time comes, when you originally planned on doing that, you suddenly feel like there is now way you will ever do it. No leap of faith for you, you are just staying on the safe side, normality, of the rickety bridge of risk instead of trying to get to the side of epicness.
What I am thinking is, do we actually get more scared as the time nears and our brain finally analyzes what it is thinking? Could it be that we just no longer believe in our original plan? We could tell ourselves the latter, and it might be true, but that might just be an excuse because we are afraid. How do you carry out a plan? Would it ('scuse all my cheesy analogies) be better to storm the castle with death at the ready or retreat with our lives and not our pride intact? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. This is reeling through my head, and I can't help but think of all the people who took risks and succeeded or crashed and burned. And I wonder about those filled with unvoiced regrets. Would it be better to go nowhere in life or to fail and be embarrassed just to have the satisfaction of actually knowing the answer to "what if..."
What I am thinking is, do we actually get more scared as the time nears and our brain finally analyzes what it is thinking? Could it be that we just no longer believe in our original plan? We could tell ourselves the latter, and it might be true, but that might just be an excuse because we are afraid. How do you carry out a plan? Would it ('scuse all my cheesy analogies) be better to storm the castle with death at the ready or retreat with our lives and not our pride intact? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. This is reeling through my head, and I can't help but think of all the people who took risks and succeeded or crashed and burned. And I wonder about those filled with unvoiced regrets. Would it be better to go nowhere in life or to fail and be embarrassed just to have the satisfaction of actually knowing the answer to "what if..."
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Yesterday Once More
The title has multiple significations. For one, it makes me think of Karen Carpenter, the singer for the Carpenters who wrote that song. She was a great drummer, the best female drummer that I know of. Of course I don't know that many, but the point is that she had multiple talents. Her brother loved her voice so much though that he got her to be singer instead and she was great at that as well. However, it makes me think. She didn't get to what she loved most which was drum. Was it a gender thing? Perhaps, but it shows me that we mustn't let anybody tell us what to do if we don't want to do it or we'll regret it.
Also, if you'll listen to the song for me (perhaps I should have put this at the top) you'll notice it talks about how songs from when we were younger can bring back the good or bad memories of that time. And the song has an almost yearning to go back to that time. I find a lot of us wish we could have more time. Whether we want to go back and redo something, or we need a couple more hours to finish our homework, going back to yesterday is something a lot of people wish for. Another thing a lot of people wish for is to be younger. Not to get rid of the wrinkles, but to enjoy our time more at that age doing those "age-appropriate" activities. Kids want to grow up, anybody old enough to have homework or real work wants to be younger, because life just gets harder and you don't realize it until the moment's passed. However, I am sure there are lots of better times for everybody in their future as well. Life isn't always between a rock and a hard place. We just never wish we could be at that specific point in time because we are afraid of the unknown. So we may wishfully think of the time when school is done or we retire, but not truly because everybody tells us how much harder it gets.
In truth, everybody only thinks that the current moment they are in is bad (if it's dull or hard) or average (if it's great). We are always looking for better because we believe it is possible. And it is, but you have to get through the hard stuff to find the good. It's like listening through a load of commercials on the radio until that one song that is your favourite starts to play. Then it is all better.
Or, as another example, it is like writing (or reading in most people's case) all of this blog post, hoping that at the end some good will come of it. I am not even sure if I found a point to all of this. Perhaps I should have ended long ago, quit while I was behind. But I kept going, looking for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. A rainbow of confusing thoughts. And a pot of no more cliches. A pot of actual original, insightful thoughts from my fingertips. Did that happen? I don't know. Should I wish I could go back in time and write it all over again? No, if it was that bad I would use the backspace button, but I like it just the way it is. Somehow my questioning of whether I have a point proves my point, I think, and I really wanted to talk about Karen Carpenter because that song is one of my all-time favourites. So, purpose somewhat achieved and hooray for living in the moment as I type this.
Also, if you'll listen to the song for me (perhaps I should have put this at the top) you'll notice it talks about how songs from when we were younger can bring back the good or bad memories of that time. And the song has an almost yearning to go back to that time. I find a lot of us wish we could have more time. Whether we want to go back and redo something, or we need a couple more hours to finish our homework, going back to yesterday is something a lot of people wish for. Another thing a lot of people wish for is to be younger. Not to get rid of the wrinkles, but to enjoy our time more at that age doing those "age-appropriate" activities. Kids want to grow up, anybody old enough to have homework or real work wants to be younger, because life just gets harder and you don't realize it until the moment's passed. However, I am sure there are lots of better times for everybody in their future as well. Life isn't always between a rock and a hard place. We just never wish we could be at that specific point in time because we are afraid of the unknown. So we may wishfully think of the time when school is done or we retire, but not truly because everybody tells us how much harder it gets.
In truth, everybody only thinks that the current moment they are in is bad (if it's dull or hard) or average (if it's great). We are always looking for better because we believe it is possible. And it is, but you have to get through the hard stuff to find the good. It's like listening through a load of commercials on the radio until that one song that is your favourite starts to play. Then it is all better.
Or, as another example, it is like writing (or reading in most people's case) all of this blog post, hoping that at the end some good will come of it. I am not even sure if I found a point to all of this. Perhaps I should have ended long ago, quit while I was behind. But I kept going, looking for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. A rainbow of confusing thoughts. And a pot of no more cliches. A pot of actual original, insightful thoughts from my fingertips. Did that happen? I don't know. Should I wish I could go back in time and write it all over again? No, if it was that bad I would use the backspace button, but I like it just the way it is. Somehow my questioning of whether I have a point proves my point, I think, and I really wanted to talk about Karen Carpenter because that song is one of my all-time favourites. So, purpose somewhat achieved and hooray for living in the moment as I type this.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Empty Space
My mind is a blank. These past few days, all I have been doing is sleeping, wheezing, and trying to do homework while my books are at school. Where I left them. By accident. No idea waves, no ingenious thoughts, no observations about mankind are coming my way. It could be because all of my waking time is spent with my family, or in my room where my soul company are my tissues.
I have another theory as well! I haven't been talking very much recently (strange right?) and that may be because I am trying to save my sore throat. But I have also noticed that I can't seem to remember any of the thoughts that crossed me, nor an actual urge to respond to my family when I was talking with them over meals. Is it possible that my brain is actually drawing a blank? I feel like there isn't much in there besides my ability to breathe and move my fingers as I type this. No blog post yesterday, no brilliant (if they ever were) ideas and less talking!
I guess for everybody an illness can wear you out, or the tiredness that comes from it at least makes you a little more dumb. Problem for me is I can't afford to get too much stupider, or else people might not take me seriously. Is there something that I can do to fill the void in my head? Has anybody learned some special trick? I watched three movies but that didn't do it. I couldn't even make myself read and listening to music was like having a lull of background noise accompany me on a not-so-epic, film-like journey. Apparently it is possible to lose an appreciation for culture along with IQ points.
And caring less about things seems to come with that too. Maybe I lost all my nice brain cells and only the mean ones are left? I am definitely more rude to people now than I ever was before, and somehow when certain people in my life make snide comments to me I let them slide instead of making a big deal out of it.
I really have no idea what I said, or what to say, or anything really. So I'll just end with an apology for being less than the perfect little me you have all come to know and love (yeah right) and wonder whether caring less makes me cooler, or just dumber.
I have another theory as well! I haven't been talking very much recently (strange right?) and that may be because I am trying to save my sore throat. But I have also noticed that I can't seem to remember any of the thoughts that crossed me, nor an actual urge to respond to my family when I was talking with them over meals. Is it possible that my brain is actually drawing a blank? I feel like there isn't much in there besides my ability to breathe and move my fingers as I type this. No blog post yesterday, no brilliant (if they ever were) ideas and less talking!
I guess for everybody an illness can wear you out, or the tiredness that comes from it at least makes you a little more dumb. Problem for me is I can't afford to get too much stupider, or else people might not take me seriously. Is there something that I can do to fill the void in my head? Has anybody learned some special trick? I watched three movies but that didn't do it. I couldn't even make myself read and listening to music was like having a lull of background noise accompany me on a not-so-epic, film-like journey. Apparently it is possible to lose an appreciation for culture along with IQ points.
And caring less about things seems to come with that too. Maybe I lost all my nice brain cells and only the mean ones are left? I am definitely more rude to people now than I ever was before, and somehow when certain people in my life make snide comments to me I let them slide instead of making a big deal out of it.
I really have no idea what I said, or what to say, or anything really. So I'll just end with an apology for being less than the perfect little me you have all come to know and love (yeah right) and wonder whether caring less makes me cooler, or just dumber.
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