The human brain is a complex thing, some tell me. I'm not sure that's always true. For every person, there is a point when your thoughts are simple, laid out for you, even if most of the time you need a supercomputer to decipher half of what you're thinking. But what I find most fascinating of all, are the thoughts not based on reality, but your own imagination.
For me, my imagination is the thing that does me the most harm in this world. It makes me feel pain worse than I should, and brings to life the darkest images from books. A movie could never scare me the same as I can with a book and my mind. But it also does me harm in pleasanter ways. Every time I get my hopes up and prepare to have wonderful experiences, imagining every last detail, I get blown away with disappointment. Not always, I often over-imagine things to the negative side as well and when that's what I expect, things will turn out to be a lot better.
Apparently I am so susceptible to my imagination and I blow things so out of proportion because I have such a great imagination. That just makes it harder to sort out my thoughts, not even knowing the difference between my dreams and reality sometimes. Sometimes I think of things too well, all the little details, that I make myself believe what happened was real. Most of the time it isn't ordinary things that cloud my mind from reality, but when its something like this morning, then I really can fool myself for a while.
I wasn't feeling well so I slept in for an extra hour and fell asleep (don't worry I wasn't late for school). When I was sleeping I actually dreamed that I got dressed and that my father took me to school. So when I woke up it was really disorienting to find myself back in my room. Then I got up, and tried to find the clothes I had changed into in my dream, but I could only find shirts of similar style, not colour. Oh well. The point is, I actually dreamed a realistic situation and was coaxed into trying to retrace my footsteps for a while. It scared me so much, that my subconscious or whatever had this much power over my confused thoughts and actions, that I actually asked my father to go a different route from my dream.
But can I actually wrench the control of my thoughts from my own brain? What else is there left to control it them? My heart? I don't think so. I place different values on how my thoughts and emotions play on my actions, despite the fact that sometimes they get a little mixed up together. I guess we all just have to face our overactive brains working 100 percent even while we sleep and hope they are on our side. Humanity's side.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Fear is the Arrowhead of My Life's Spear
In the words of Yoda, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." That is one of the lines I remember most from Star Wars. I don't know why; I guess it touches something deep and primal within each and everyone of us. What I want to pinpoint on is though, is the part about fear. Not about where it leads us, but about how it gives us the drive to move along any "path" at all.
You see we fear the unknown, something that holds many possibilities. Fear is what makes us take risks and what propels us away from the bad experiences, onto the good. Sometimes I think of how lunatics are described. A wild look in their eyes and a drive to do things they wouldn't normally do. But then those who are afraid are sometimes said to have that same wild look and you can't say that those with fear in their hearts aren't possessed to do crazy things.
Perhaps fear can be an excuse for insanity. But now I am back to square one. Yoda is right; fear leads to suffering, madness, the dark side. I just can't accept that. This past week I have been more afraid than I care to admit, and about multiple things too. All of my fears would seem silly to anybody else. Somehow though, I am able to tell myself that I did the brave thing in accepting that I am afraid. I suppose, if I had the courage, I could face my fears or turn them against others like Batman did in Christopher Nolan's Batman Begins. And then I think of those who go off to war, or are in some other peril. I am sure they are all afraid, but it is the ones who let fear push them from behind, acknowledge its there, and resist the urge to look over their shoulder for the boogieman that keep their heads. Those who run from their own fear, are the ones who run into death, go mad.
Maybe Yoda believes that death is the only way to escape the fear that would otherwise propel you to do great things. Or that we should never have any to begin with. Isn't learning how to defeat the things we fear the way we learn to overcome fear itself and finally be the brave heroes Yoda wants us to be? How can anybody be deemed courageous if the entire world knows no fear? As for myself, I know I would never read a book or watch a movie in my life if I wasn't afraid of my own life. The lives of others is the only place I can escape to, knowing for certain that the fears in those stories aren't real. For me, there would be no exploration of other human minds. No social interactions, eager questions, or even a blog if I wasn't afraid of my own thoughts. And yet still sometimes, I end up bringing fears from novels and films into my own life and believing them. That's when I get my real motivation.
You see we fear the unknown, something that holds many possibilities. Fear is what makes us take risks and what propels us away from the bad experiences, onto the good. Sometimes I think of how lunatics are described. A wild look in their eyes and a drive to do things they wouldn't normally do. But then those who are afraid are sometimes said to have that same wild look and you can't say that those with fear in their hearts aren't possessed to do crazy things.
Perhaps fear can be an excuse for insanity. But now I am back to square one. Yoda is right; fear leads to suffering, madness, the dark side. I just can't accept that. This past week I have been more afraid than I care to admit, and about multiple things too. All of my fears would seem silly to anybody else. Somehow though, I am able to tell myself that I did the brave thing in accepting that I am afraid. I suppose, if I had the courage, I could face my fears or turn them against others like Batman did in Christopher Nolan's Batman Begins. And then I think of those who go off to war, or are in some other peril. I am sure they are all afraid, but it is the ones who let fear push them from behind, acknowledge its there, and resist the urge to look over their shoulder for the boogieman that keep their heads. Those who run from their own fear, are the ones who run into death, go mad.
Maybe Yoda believes that death is the only way to escape the fear that would otherwise propel you to do great things. Or that we should never have any to begin with. Isn't learning how to defeat the things we fear the way we learn to overcome fear itself and finally be the brave heroes Yoda wants us to be? How can anybody be deemed courageous if the entire world knows no fear? As for myself, I know I would never read a book or watch a movie in my life if I wasn't afraid of my own life. The lives of others is the only place I can escape to, knowing for certain that the fears in those stories aren't real. For me, there would be no exploration of other human minds. No social interactions, eager questions, or even a blog if I wasn't afraid of my own thoughts. And yet still sometimes, I end up bringing fears from novels and films into my own life and believing them. That's when I get my real motivation.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Contagious
I have a cough still and I suppose somebody else might catch it from me. Yawns are contagious too. Apparently even if you imagine somebody else yawning you have a high chance of yawning as well. Go ahead try it. It worked for me. Twice.
Emotions can also be contagious. You see somebody cry and you immediately become sad for them. Somebody skips down the hall with a grin on their face and minutes later you are whistling away. Whether it is by imitation or empathy I do not know, but everything seems to catch on very quick in my sort of society.
Depression is something I really don't like catching from others and yet it seems to be highly contagious whenever I notice it. People can really put me in a low mood for a very long time if they are stressed or hurtful or depressed themselves. And the worst part is this usually happens because I can't help them. Which means it is the same type of depression I get where I can't help myself.
So how do you get out of an emotional rut? There is no medication to fix depression. Oh wait scratch that, there are pills for that now I believe. But, a quote my father uses often is "I would rather stop the disease than the symptoms" and that is true for me too. I guess the only way is to keep it to yourself, to stop the spread, but then it will never be fixed. That's a tough one. Put it in quarantine or risk being exposed for a chance at ridding somebody of it?
Emotions can also be contagious. You see somebody cry and you immediately become sad for them. Somebody skips down the hall with a grin on their face and minutes later you are whistling away. Whether it is by imitation or empathy I do not know, but everything seems to catch on very quick in my sort of society.
Depression is something I really don't like catching from others and yet it seems to be highly contagious whenever I notice it. People can really put me in a low mood for a very long time if they are stressed or hurtful or depressed themselves. And the worst part is this usually happens because I can't help them. Which means it is the same type of depression I get where I can't help myself.
So how do you get out of an emotional rut? There is no medication to fix depression. Oh wait scratch that, there are pills for that now I believe. But, a quote my father uses often is "I would rather stop the disease than the symptoms" and that is true for me too. I guess the only way is to keep it to yourself, to stop the spread, but then it will never be fixed. That's a tough one. Put it in quarantine or risk being exposed for a chance at ridding somebody of it?
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Social Interdependence
Help. We all love to give it to others and we all need it from each other. It makes us feel good when he can show someone we are not worthless but a lot of the time we have to swallow our pride because we aren't strong enough to go it alone. I saw a lot of that today, how people needed other people, to give or receive assistance.
For instance, one of my friends is dealing with some personal problems at the moment and he really appreciated me just listening. I didn't really have any advice except to tell him that what he was doing was the right thing and somehow I know (or hope) that I did some good for him by giving him the encouragement and a little faith. We all need each other when it comes to our own problems, even if we don't like to admit it.
I had my own "problem" today. My friends and I were tossing a football around and me, being the clumsy klutz that I am, couldn't not throw the football very well at first. So one of my friends came over and showed me exactly the proper technique. Even though I was a little embarrassed that suddenly I couldn't throw and it didn't work at first, she really helped me out. As we kept going I slowly improved on my throwing and she didn't feel the need to give me any more pointers. Sure, I still through a couple of wonky passes, but overall it was like how I used to be. But the important part was the way she, and a couple of my other friends almost jumped at the opportunity to show me how to do it. While helping me, they got to show that they are good at something and are even good enough to make others better.
I think we all depend on each other in two ways. We either need real help and encouragement, or we need a little boost in our own self-esteem to keep us going. There are two sides to every "Lean on Me" situation and surprisingly, they both sort of work the same. Same effects at least. We feel better about ourselves in a good, friendly, confidence-boosting kind of way. That's what help is about, right? We improve and understand that what we are doing is right. So I guess what I am trying to say is, that when you help someone, you help yourself as well.
For instance, one of my friends is dealing with some personal problems at the moment and he really appreciated me just listening. I didn't really have any advice except to tell him that what he was doing was the right thing and somehow I know (or hope) that I did some good for him by giving him the encouragement and a little faith. We all need each other when it comes to our own problems, even if we don't like to admit it.
I had my own "problem" today. My friends and I were tossing a football around and me, being the clumsy klutz that I am, couldn't not throw the football very well at first. So one of my friends came over and showed me exactly the proper technique. Even though I was a little embarrassed that suddenly I couldn't throw and it didn't work at first, she really helped me out. As we kept going I slowly improved on my throwing and she didn't feel the need to give me any more pointers. Sure, I still through a couple of wonky passes, but overall it was like how I used to be. But the important part was the way she, and a couple of my other friends almost jumped at the opportunity to show me how to do it. While helping me, they got to show that they are good at something and are even good enough to make others better.
I think we all depend on each other in two ways. We either need real help and encouragement, or we need a little boost in our own self-esteem to keep us going. There are two sides to every "Lean on Me" situation and surprisingly, they both sort of work the same. Same effects at least. We feel better about ourselves in a good, friendly, confidence-boosting kind of way. That's what help is about, right? We improve and understand that what we are doing is right. So I guess what I am trying to say is, that when you help someone, you help yourself as well.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Distancing Yourself from Yourself
Have you ever been super scared? Of something that you yourself planned on doing? There are always those moments when you decide to do something, make it clear to the world how you are feeling, etc. And then, when the time comes, when you originally planned on doing that, you suddenly feel like there is now way you will ever do it. No leap of faith for you, you are just staying on the safe side, normality, of the rickety bridge of risk instead of trying to get to the side of epicness.
What I am thinking is, do we actually get more scared as the time nears and our brain finally analyzes what it is thinking? Could it be that we just no longer believe in our original plan? We could tell ourselves the latter, and it might be true, but that might just be an excuse because we are afraid. How do you carry out a plan? Would it ('scuse all my cheesy analogies) be better to storm the castle with death at the ready or retreat with our lives and not our pride intact? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. This is reeling through my head, and I can't help but think of all the people who took risks and succeeded or crashed and burned. And I wonder about those filled with unvoiced regrets. Would it be better to go nowhere in life or to fail and be embarrassed just to have the satisfaction of actually knowing the answer to "what if..."
What I am thinking is, do we actually get more scared as the time nears and our brain finally analyzes what it is thinking? Could it be that we just no longer believe in our original plan? We could tell ourselves the latter, and it might be true, but that might just be an excuse because we are afraid. How do you carry out a plan? Would it ('scuse all my cheesy analogies) be better to storm the castle with death at the ready or retreat with our lives and not our pride intact? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. This is reeling through my head, and I can't help but think of all the people who took risks and succeeded or crashed and burned. And I wonder about those filled with unvoiced regrets. Would it be better to go nowhere in life or to fail and be embarrassed just to have the satisfaction of actually knowing the answer to "what if..."
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Yesterday Once More
The title has multiple significations. For one, it makes me think of Karen Carpenter, the singer for the Carpenters who wrote that song. She was a great drummer, the best female drummer that I know of. Of course I don't know that many, but the point is that she had multiple talents. Her brother loved her voice so much though that he got her to be singer instead and she was great at that as well. However, it makes me think. She didn't get to what she loved most which was drum. Was it a gender thing? Perhaps, but it shows me that we mustn't let anybody tell us what to do if we don't want to do it or we'll regret it.
Also, if you'll listen to the song for me (perhaps I should have put this at the top) you'll notice it talks about how songs from when we were younger can bring back the good or bad memories of that time. And the song has an almost yearning to go back to that time. I find a lot of us wish we could have more time. Whether we want to go back and redo something, or we need a couple more hours to finish our homework, going back to yesterday is something a lot of people wish for. Another thing a lot of people wish for is to be younger. Not to get rid of the wrinkles, but to enjoy our time more at that age doing those "age-appropriate" activities. Kids want to grow up, anybody old enough to have homework or real work wants to be younger, because life just gets harder and you don't realize it until the moment's passed. However, I am sure there are lots of better times for everybody in their future as well. Life isn't always between a rock and a hard place. We just never wish we could be at that specific point in time because we are afraid of the unknown. So we may wishfully think of the time when school is done or we retire, but not truly because everybody tells us how much harder it gets.
In truth, everybody only thinks that the current moment they are in is bad (if it's dull or hard) or average (if it's great). We are always looking for better because we believe it is possible. And it is, but you have to get through the hard stuff to find the good. It's like listening through a load of commercials on the radio until that one song that is your favourite starts to play. Then it is all better.
Or, as another example, it is like writing (or reading in most people's case) all of this blog post, hoping that at the end some good will come of it. I am not even sure if I found a point to all of this. Perhaps I should have ended long ago, quit while I was behind. But I kept going, looking for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. A rainbow of confusing thoughts. And a pot of no more cliches. A pot of actual original, insightful thoughts from my fingertips. Did that happen? I don't know. Should I wish I could go back in time and write it all over again? No, if it was that bad I would use the backspace button, but I like it just the way it is. Somehow my questioning of whether I have a point proves my point, I think, and I really wanted to talk about Karen Carpenter because that song is one of my all-time favourites. So, purpose somewhat achieved and hooray for living in the moment as I type this.
Also, if you'll listen to the song for me (perhaps I should have put this at the top) you'll notice it talks about how songs from when we were younger can bring back the good or bad memories of that time. And the song has an almost yearning to go back to that time. I find a lot of us wish we could have more time. Whether we want to go back and redo something, or we need a couple more hours to finish our homework, going back to yesterday is something a lot of people wish for. Another thing a lot of people wish for is to be younger. Not to get rid of the wrinkles, but to enjoy our time more at that age doing those "age-appropriate" activities. Kids want to grow up, anybody old enough to have homework or real work wants to be younger, because life just gets harder and you don't realize it until the moment's passed. However, I am sure there are lots of better times for everybody in their future as well. Life isn't always between a rock and a hard place. We just never wish we could be at that specific point in time because we are afraid of the unknown. So we may wishfully think of the time when school is done or we retire, but not truly because everybody tells us how much harder it gets.
In truth, everybody only thinks that the current moment they are in is bad (if it's dull or hard) or average (if it's great). We are always looking for better because we believe it is possible. And it is, but you have to get through the hard stuff to find the good. It's like listening through a load of commercials on the radio until that one song that is your favourite starts to play. Then it is all better.
Or, as another example, it is like writing (or reading in most people's case) all of this blog post, hoping that at the end some good will come of it. I am not even sure if I found a point to all of this. Perhaps I should have ended long ago, quit while I was behind. But I kept going, looking for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. A rainbow of confusing thoughts. And a pot of no more cliches. A pot of actual original, insightful thoughts from my fingertips. Did that happen? I don't know. Should I wish I could go back in time and write it all over again? No, if it was that bad I would use the backspace button, but I like it just the way it is. Somehow my questioning of whether I have a point proves my point, I think, and I really wanted to talk about Karen Carpenter because that song is one of my all-time favourites. So, purpose somewhat achieved and hooray for living in the moment as I type this.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Empty Space
My mind is a blank. These past few days, all I have been doing is sleeping, wheezing, and trying to do homework while my books are at school. Where I left them. By accident. No idea waves, no ingenious thoughts, no observations about mankind are coming my way. It could be because all of my waking time is spent with my family, or in my room where my soul company are my tissues.
I have another theory as well! I haven't been talking very much recently (strange right?) and that may be because I am trying to save my sore throat. But I have also noticed that I can't seem to remember any of the thoughts that crossed me, nor an actual urge to respond to my family when I was talking with them over meals. Is it possible that my brain is actually drawing a blank? I feel like there isn't much in there besides my ability to breathe and move my fingers as I type this. No blog post yesterday, no brilliant (if they ever were) ideas and less talking!
I guess for everybody an illness can wear you out, or the tiredness that comes from it at least makes you a little more dumb. Problem for me is I can't afford to get too much stupider, or else people might not take me seriously. Is there something that I can do to fill the void in my head? Has anybody learned some special trick? I watched three movies but that didn't do it. I couldn't even make myself read and listening to music was like having a lull of background noise accompany me on a not-so-epic, film-like journey. Apparently it is possible to lose an appreciation for culture along with IQ points.
And caring less about things seems to come with that too. Maybe I lost all my nice brain cells and only the mean ones are left? I am definitely more rude to people now than I ever was before, and somehow when certain people in my life make snide comments to me I let them slide instead of making a big deal out of it.
I really have no idea what I said, or what to say, or anything really. So I'll just end with an apology for being less than the perfect little me you have all come to know and love (yeah right) and wonder whether caring less makes me cooler, or just dumber.
I have another theory as well! I haven't been talking very much recently (strange right?) and that may be because I am trying to save my sore throat. But I have also noticed that I can't seem to remember any of the thoughts that crossed me, nor an actual urge to respond to my family when I was talking with them over meals. Is it possible that my brain is actually drawing a blank? I feel like there isn't much in there besides my ability to breathe and move my fingers as I type this. No blog post yesterday, no brilliant (if they ever were) ideas and less talking!
I guess for everybody an illness can wear you out, or the tiredness that comes from it at least makes you a little more dumb. Problem for me is I can't afford to get too much stupider, or else people might not take me seriously. Is there something that I can do to fill the void in my head? Has anybody learned some special trick? I watched three movies but that didn't do it. I couldn't even make myself read and listening to music was like having a lull of background noise accompany me on a not-so-epic, film-like journey. Apparently it is possible to lose an appreciation for culture along with IQ points.
And caring less about things seems to come with that too. Maybe I lost all my nice brain cells and only the mean ones are left? I am definitely more rude to people now than I ever was before, and somehow when certain people in my life make snide comments to me I let them slide instead of making a big deal out of it.
I really have no idea what I said, or what to say, or anything really. So I'll just end with an apology for being less than the perfect little me you have all come to know and love (yeah right) and wonder whether caring less makes me cooler, or just dumber.
Friday, September 30, 2011
RAWR
The title is supposed to be a frustrated noise coming out of my mouth. Like if a lion got a thorn stuck in his foot and he happened to notice.
This whole day has been pretty frustrating for me. Not because of anything in particular, but because of how powerless I have felt today, and a few other things. I was feeling better today, no more fever, but then it came back. Whoop...dee...doo. Me being sick is not fun and it is stopping me from doing a lot of stuff. Like going outside while it rains. Or playing music well. Or feeling good. Or breathing. As well, I have once again felt out of connection with the world. I am having trouble communicating with people, and for some reason my blog only had 3 page views yesterday (gasp, oh no! Haha). On top of all that, I suddenly have a lot to do, whether it is now or in my future, and I keep having realistic dreams that make me hope for a better life.
I also realized that on this blog I don't really talk about others like I said I would. Instead of posting about the reactions and interactions of society, I seem to have made myself become society. Every time I talk about something I have noticed in others, I am forced to use my own personal experiences as examples for fear of insulting others who may spot themselves in my one-sided discussions.
Lastly, I don't really have anything else meaningful to say except: RAWR. Think about it.
This whole day has been pretty frustrating for me. Not because of anything in particular, but because of how powerless I have felt today, and a few other things. I was feeling better today, no more fever, but then it came back. Whoop...dee...doo. Me being sick is not fun and it is stopping me from doing a lot of stuff. Like going outside while it rains. Or playing music well. Or feeling good. Or breathing. As well, I have once again felt out of connection with the world. I am having trouble communicating with people, and for some reason my blog only had 3 page views yesterday (gasp, oh no! Haha). On top of all that, I suddenly have a lot to do, whether it is now or in my future, and I keep having realistic dreams that make me hope for a better life.
I also realized that on this blog I don't really talk about others like I said I would. Instead of posting about the reactions and interactions of society, I seem to have made myself become society. Every time I talk about something I have noticed in others, I am forced to use my own personal experiences as examples for fear of insulting others who may spot themselves in my one-sided discussions.
Lastly, I don't really have anything else meaningful to say except: RAWR. Think about it.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
A Mental Problem
No, I'm not referring to those who are mentally challenged or have other problems with their brain. That may be a problem but that's not what I was thinking about today.
Today, I was sick. I hate to admit it, but it was worse than a few times previously. But still, definitely not the worst I've had. The thing is, I really wanted to go to school and so I downplayed it this morning (to the best of my capabilities) to ensure my parents would still let me go. But sometimes, I am not as sick, still sick or tired, and I ask them to let me stay home. I don't know why, but today was different. I am really close with my school friends now and I didn't want to miss out on any class lessons, that's for sure. But I could have had those motivations to stay home before and I didn't. Instead I had begged to stay home.
My point is, that a lot of the time we are not feeling optimistic about something or our entire life and so our mind conveys these bad feelings to our body. I may not ever play sick to stay home, but if I am exposed to stress or unhappiness for a long period of time, my body will eventually fall to. It is definitely a mental thing, I am sure now, because I beat it today, or tried to. So I will say Adios to you all now, I have to blow my nose!
Today, I was sick. I hate to admit it, but it was worse than a few times previously. But still, definitely not the worst I've had. The thing is, I really wanted to go to school and so I downplayed it this morning (to the best of my capabilities) to ensure my parents would still let me go. But sometimes, I am not as sick, still sick or tired, and I ask them to let me stay home. I don't know why, but today was different. I am really close with my school friends now and I didn't want to miss out on any class lessons, that's for sure. But I could have had those motivations to stay home before and I didn't. Instead I had begged to stay home.
My point is, that a lot of the time we are not feeling optimistic about something or our entire life and so our mind conveys these bad feelings to our body. I may not ever play sick to stay home, but if I am exposed to stress or unhappiness for a long period of time, my body will eventually fall to. It is definitely a mental thing, I am sure now, because I beat it today, or tried to. So I will say Adios to you all now, I have to blow my nose!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Run for the Ones You Love
Today, my school participated in the annual Terry Fox Run/Walk for Cancer. It was nice. I got some exercise and I had a lot of fun, and of course, we were supposed to be doing it to raise money to promote cancer research. But I was thinking today, later on, is that really what we should be running for?
Sure it's a great cause and all, but are the sick the ones we should be the most worried about? There are those with injuries beyond repair, those starving, and those who are oppressed by power and corruption. Worse than that, there are those with nobody to love, those with mental illnesses that create a world far worse than the ever real world of cancer. We could be running for them. All of them.
And even more so than all of this, we should run for the ones we ourselves love. Maybe it is somebody you love who has cancer. Nobody would care if people died from cancer if the victims weren't loved by somebody who is still alive. But we should be running for, and to especially, the ones who need us personally. The ones we want to be with, and the ones we want to heal with our own care.
One day, supposedly all the world's problems will be fixed with money. But it is the problems that I can help with in an instant, and the people I can be with right now, that I care about the most. Here is where I can do the most good for myself and those around me. And now is when I can do it.
That's the way I like it, and that is the way I wish it could be for everything. So good for you Terry, and all your supporters, maybe one day I'll do something similar, yet different. All I need is to find a way to do good without the money. Of course the media won't care about it without the money, so the Terry Fox run will still be more famous than me. Oh well.
Sure it's a great cause and all, but are the sick the ones we should be the most worried about? There are those with injuries beyond repair, those starving, and those who are oppressed by power and corruption. Worse than that, there are those with nobody to love, those with mental illnesses that create a world far worse than the ever real world of cancer. We could be running for them. All of them.
And even more so than all of this, we should run for the ones we ourselves love. Maybe it is somebody you love who has cancer. Nobody would care if people died from cancer if the victims weren't loved by somebody who is still alive. But we should be running for, and to especially, the ones who need us personally. The ones we want to be with, and the ones we want to heal with our own care.
One day, supposedly all the world's problems will be fixed with money. But it is the problems that I can help with in an instant, and the people I can be with right now, that I care about the most. Here is where I can do the most good for myself and those around me. And now is when I can do it.
That's the way I like it, and that is the way I wish it could be for everything. So good for you Terry, and all your supporters, maybe one day I'll do something similar, yet different. All I need is to find a way to do good without the money. Of course the media won't care about it without the money, so the Terry Fox run will still be more famous than me. Oh well.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Perspective
Most of the time, I am pretty much the most cheerful person you will find. But it saddens me to see other people depressed or stressed or what have you. It seems like the whole world is way less cheerful than they should be, or at least more unhappy than me. But now I notice also that when I am feeling awful so many people suddenly become so happy. What is with that? Why are we never on the same page?
I have two theories. One, on the Wheel of Fortune as believed in during Shakespeare's time, I ride on the opposite side. So luck comes to me when others are unlucky and vice versa. However, I think the more logical explanation is that we only notice those who are the opposite emotion from us because it puts a wrench in our own happy or depressed lives. We see that there is another side of the spectrum but we just refuse to admit that both sides are the norm and a part of life that we will eventually experience as well. Whether we like it or not and without warning.
I have two theories. One, on the Wheel of Fortune as believed in during Shakespeare's time, I ride on the opposite side. So luck comes to me when others are unlucky and vice versa. However, I think the more logical explanation is that we only notice those who are the opposite emotion from us because it puts a wrench in our own happy or depressed lives. We see that there is another side of the spectrum but we just refuse to admit that both sides are the norm and a part of life that we will eventually experience as well. Whether we like it or not and without warning.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Madness and Hypocrisy
"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." That is Newton's Third Law which you will learn pretty early on in your average grade 11 physics class. To this day, half a year later, his law still affects me. But not in a physics sense, though at this most I am staring at my Newton's Cradle on my desk which is the epitome of his third law. What I am referring to is that classic "Do unto others as you would yourself." Or, from the Bible, "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself."
I have seen many people treat each other with cruelty and expect kindness in return and everyone hopes they won't get judged while still judging each other. It is pretty hypocritical, but I can't stop thinking that perhaps everybody just needs a little ego boost. I'm not saying it's right to put others down, but there is method to their madness, I am sure. Even Hamlet explained to his mother that he was "not in madness,/ But mad in craft." Mad in craft. By design. That is the keyword. A method.
Of course, I don't know what the method is yet. I still watch my friends, my family. For signs of hypocrisy or a reaction to by own strangeness. So far, I have discovered that I have chosen my friends and well and my family is even better. Sure, there are a few moments which lead me to reconsider what I have said in front of others, but for the most part there is no method to the madness because there is no madness. But where does that get me? Nowhere in the name of sociology, but everywhere in my own happiness. And where did I originally see all these signs?
The answer to that is that I don't know. Perhaps I made it all up. Perhaps I am the mad one. Perhaps I am tricking myself into believing bad about the world, just to make myself feel better. What a hypocrite that would make me. I try to gauge my friend's reactions and yet I don't care if they notice when I pay attention or not. At least there is one place where I can't tell how people react when they pay attention to my thoughts. And that is right here. I suppose this is my escape away from my own insanity, forcing myself to think about me, and leaving the world to their own thoughts.
I have seen many people treat each other with cruelty and expect kindness in return and everyone hopes they won't get judged while still judging each other. It is pretty hypocritical, but I can't stop thinking that perhaps everybody just needs a little ego boost. I'm not saying it's right to put others down, but there is method to their madness, I am sure. Even Hamlet explained to his mother that he was "not in madness,/ But mad in craft." Mad in craft. By design. That is the keyword. A method.
Of course, I don't know what the method is yet. I still watch my friends, my family. For signs of hypocrisy or a reaction to by own strangeness. So far, I have discovered that I have chosen my friends and well and my family is even better. Sure, there are a few moments which lead me to reconsider what I have said in front of others, but for the most part there is no method to the madness because there is no madness. But where does that get me? Nowhere in the name of sociology, but everywhere in my own happiness. And where did I originally see all these signs?
The answer to that is that I don't know. Perhaps I made it all up. Perhaps I am the mad one. Perhaps I am tricking myself into believing bad about the world, just to make myself feel better. What a hypocrite that would make me. I try to gauge my friend's reactions and yet I don't care if they notice when I pay attention or not. At least there is one place where I can't tell how people react when they pay attention to my thoughts. And that is right here. I suppose this is my escape away from my own insanity, forcing myself to think about me, and leaving the world to their own thoughts.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Words, Words, Words
Generally, words have double meanings. And I thought a lot about that today. However, we have been conditioned to think that certain words put together in a phrase will mean a certain thing. For example, the phrase "I drink too much" will often lead people to believe that the person who said it drinks a lot of alcohol or has an alcohol problem. But, it could very easily mean that you drink too much in one sitting, thus causing you to have bladder control problems. In which case you should probably be running to the nearest bathroom right about now. Of course, alcohol can cause you to require a bathroom as well. Or so I am led to believe.
Moving on. Though this is still related to bathrooms, oddly enough. The particularly phrase I was thinking about tonight includes four words: the, bathroom, in, and bugs. But not in that order. No, the phrase I am thinking of is "Bugs in the bathroom." Normally, when I think of it, I think of two or more bugs dwelling inside mine or somebody else's bathroom. For instance, today, my own bathroom had at least twenty bugs frolicking about because our window was open. Go figure. This bothered me because a bathroom is supposed to be about cleanliness but these bugs, who so resembled miniature flies, seemed to emanate a quite unclean feel. However, if you think about it. "Bugs in the bathroom" can also mean that bugs are in their own bathroom, washing up. In which case, I am sure the bugs would be quite clean, and allowed in other cleaning places such as my bathroom. Sadly, I have yet to discover a bug who owns a bathroom and so that theory is out the window, down the toilet, moot, irrelevant, etc.
It is pretty easy to tell why "Bugs in the Bathroom" means one thing and not another to the general public. But what has caused society to associate "drink" with alcohol? If anybody has an answer for me, I would love to hear it. As well as a meaning for why we take certain meanings from pretty much every phrase in the English language. It can't be just me who has a problem with words.
Moving on. Though this is still related to bathrooms, oddly enough. The particularly phrase I was thinking about tonight includes four words: the, bathroom, in, and bugs. But not in that order. No, the phrase I am thinking of is "Bugs in the bathroom." Normally, when I think of it, I think of two or more bugs dwelling inside mine or somebody else's bathroom. For instance, today, my own bathroom had at least twenty bugs frolicking about because our window was open. Go figure. This bothered me because a bathroom is supposed to be about cleanliness but these bugs, who so resembled miniature flies, seemed to emanate a quite unclean feel. However, if you think about it. "Bugs in the bathroom" can also mean that bugs are in their own bathroom, washing up. In which case, I am sure the bugs would be quite clean, and allowed in other cleaning places such as my bathroom. Sadly, I have yet to discover a bug who owns a bathroom and so that theory is out the window, down the toilet, moot, irrelevant, etc.
It is pretty easy to tell why "Bugs in the Bathroom" means one thing and not another to the general public. But what has caused society to associate "drink" with alcohol? If anybody has an answer for me, I would love to hear it. As well as a meaning for why we take certain meanings from pretty much every phrase in the English language. It can't be just me who has a problem with words.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
In the Mood
Moods change from day to day, week to week, even from one moment to the next. Recently I have been in a bad mood, and though I am still cheerful, most of my friends notice that there is a change in me. However, often I find that moods go much deeper inside when others finally open up to you about how they actually feel and why.
Because of my current mood, I have been listening to a lot of music. I am also in a jazz/big band/Christmas music mood and so I keep listening to songs like that. Songs like Someone to Watch Over Me and Baby, It's Cold Outside. (No I have not listened to In the Mood...yet...) What I am trying to figure out now is, whether the music that I listen to has influenced my mood, or if my mood caused me to choose the songs I listen to.
Lots of teens listen to heavy metal and hard rock music when they feel their angst building up inside them. Others listen to musicals and Disney music to show the world their childlike and carefree spirit. It is all a cause and effect thing but, just like in chemical equations, the given situation and the end product can be reversed.
It doesn't make any sense, and I now realize neither do I as I write this. So here is a big question instead: Do you listen more to a piece of music when it relates to your own feelings at that time? Or is a piece of music that cause for your own changing emotions?
Because of my current mood, I have been listening to a lot of music. I am also in a jazz/big band/Christmas music mood and so I keep listening to songs like that. Songs like Someone to Watch Over Me and Baby, It's Cold Outside. (No I have not listened to In the Mood...yet...) What I am trying to figure out now is, whether the music that I listen to has influenced my mood, or if my mood caused me to choose the songs I listen to.
Lots of teens listen to heavy metal and hard rock music when they feel their angst building up inside them. Others listen to musicals and Disney music to show the world their childlike and carefree spirit. It is all a cause and effect thing but, just like in chemical equations, the given situation and the end product can be reversed.
It doesn't make any sense, and I now realize neither do I as I write this. So here is a big question instead: Do you listen more to a piece of music when it relates to your own feelings at that time? Or is a piece of music that cause for your own changing emotions?
Friday, September 23, 2011
Expectations
People assume things will happen a certain way. All the time. One hundred percent guarantee that when you think about your future you go through the possibilities, weigh the pros and cons, decide which seems the most probable outcome, and determine which path you will attempt to direct your future down. But rarely does everything go as planned.
I see classmates complaining because they didn't do well on a test after they studied so hard, and parents become worrisome over their children when they tried to raise them "the right way". Even the telephone was a mistake, a course not chosen by its maker.
I often find that what people expect most of me, is that when we no longer see each other face to face, we "will still keep in touch". That never happens. I can't text someone, or e-mail them when I don't see them. We no longer have anything to talk about if we no longer share common experiences in our everyday lives.
What I expected of myself is that when I finally disciplined myself to keep the homework done, I would feel happy and free. But having a mind and the time for it to wander aimlessly is a much worse burden than using it to teach itself something useful. It is scary to think, but I sometimes wish I had more school work. I know! What am I thinking?
Disappointment is the result. Even if you try the whole "expect the worse and hope for the best", when you have the time to think you have the time to dream and in time your dreams will be crushed. Don't get me wrong, good fortune comes to everyone who tries their best in the end. But it's the times before, when you stop and think, and expect what is to come, that you realize you can't make your own fate, and you can't guess it either.
I see classmates complaining because they didn't do well on a test after they studied so hard, and parents become worrisome over their children when they tried to raise them "the right way". Even the telephone was a mistake, a course not chosen by its maker.
I often find that what people expect most of me, is that when we no longer see each other face to face, we "will still keep in touch". That never happens. I can't text someone, or e-mail them when I don't see them. We no longer have anything to talk about if we no longer share common experiences in our everyday lives.
What I expected of myself is that when I finally disciplined myself to keep the homework done, I would feel happy and free. But having a mind and the time for it to wander aimlessly is a much worse burden than using it to teach itself something useful. It is scary to think, but I sometimes wish I had more school work. I know! What am I thinking?
Disappointment is the result. Even if you try the whole "expect the worse and hope for the best", when you have the time to think you have the time to dream and in time your dreams will be crushed. Don't get me wrong, good fortune comes to everyone who tries their best in the end. But it's the times before, when you stop and think, and expect what is to come, that you realize you can't make your own fate, and you can't guess it either.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
The Little Moments
Sometimes I experience exhilaration like nothing else and it is those moments in life that I wait for. As the quote goes, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away." Myself, I have felt the thrill or the peace that makes me want to keep on living many times. The two most recent times, my breath was taken away both literally and metaphorically.
Yesterday, in my early morning band practice I was able to appreciate, once again, the beauty of a band that can actually play. Sure, it wasn't a ballad or something that we were playing, but we were so expressive and in sync in our playing that I couldn't help but marvel and ask myself How did we do that! And over and over again in music I am awed by myself and others. Of course, the literal part of my breath being taken away was that I was playing the oboe!
Today during my lunch period, my friends and I were hanging outside, playing with a soccer ball and some of the guys were playing football with other guys. It was quite a while before my epic moment came. The soccer was getting boring and I turn to see the quarterback looking for an open pass. So I jokingly signaled that I was free while doing a kinda shuffle at the back of the crowd, halfway between the QB and the end zone. Then for some random reason, the quarterback actually through the ball towards me in that Hail Mary way that I could never achieve with my pitiful upper body strength. And I caught it! This is a big achievement, seeing as it is widely known in my circle that I am the clumsiest girl around. So of course, being a girl, all of the guys were too gentlemanly to try and tackle me and I scored the touch down while they all stood there. But let's just pretend I was super fast and none of them could catch me. Teehee! The running also kinda took my breath away and then I was done. No more random epic me. Just regular old me sitting in a grassy field watching a football game go on.
Do others feel like this sometimes? Has anybody ever done something so amazing they get this huge ego about it and tell everyone they can? Well I guess in one way my blog did not serve its original purpose. I still talked to a lot to people today. Because, poor me, my blog wasn't right at me fingertips then and I could not keep it in. I'm the type of girl who doesn't usually make miracles. I only see and appreciate them when they happen to me.
That's something to think about. Humans in general, hate being bored. But even being occupied with an activity, good or bad, isn't really taking the boredom away unless it makes you shake and shiver in silent fear or laugh and whoop in ecstasy.
Yesterday, in my early morning band practice I was able to appreciate, once again, the beauty of a band that can actually play. Sure, it wasn't a ballad or something that we were playing, but we were so expressive and in sync in our playing that I couldn't help but marvel and ask myself How did we do that! And over and over again in music I am awed by myself and others. Of course, the literal part of my breath being taken away was that I was playing the oboe!
Today during my lunch period, my friends and I were hanging outside, playing with a soccer ball and some of the guys were playing football with other guys. It was quite a while before my epic moment came. The soccer was getting boring and I turn to see the quarterback looking for an open pass. So I jokingly signaled that I was free while doing a kinda shuffle at the back of the crowd, halfway between the QB and the end zone. Then for some random reason, the quarterback actually through the ball towards me in that Hail Mary way that I could never achieve with my pitiful upper body strength. And I caught it! This is a big achievement, seeing as it is widely known in my circle that I am the clumsiest girl around. So of course, being a girl, all of the guys were too gentlemanly to try and tackle me and I scored the touch down while they all stood there. But let's just pretend I was super fast and none of them could catch me. Teehee! The running also kinda took my breath away and then I was done. No more random epic me. Just regular old me sitting in a grassy field watching a football game go on.
Do others feel like this sometimes? Has anybody ever done something so amazing they get this huge ego about it and tell everyone they can? Well I guess in one way my blog did not serve its original purpose. I still talked to a lot to people today. Because, poor me, my blog wasn't right at me fingertips then and I could not keep it in. I'm the type of girl who doesn't usually make miracles. I only see and appreciate them when they happen to me.
That's something to think about. Humans in general, hate being bored. But even being occupied with an activity, good or bad, isn't really taking the boredom away unless it makes you shake and shiver in silent fear or laugh and whoop in ecstasy.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Sibling Love
A brother or sister is pretty much the greatest thing your parents can give you. I am lucky enough that I have one of each. They provide instant companionship and because of them I have learned relationship and conflict resolution skills, as well as how to beat people, physically or in an argument.
Now, as we all grow older, I am finally appreciating what I get from them, and nobody else. Today we talked about those things you would discuss with a best friend, without the worry that they will go blabbing to everybody else. I can open my heart up to these people who are relatively the same age as me, and they will still love me no matter what I say. So yeah, we hung out and I fell off a chair trying to touch a very high ceiling in our house (don't worry, I'm alright) because they dared me to. My older brother tried to stop me, and my younger sister made sure I was okay after I hurt myself. It's the little things like this that make me brave enough to actually stand on the back of an armchair.
Sometimes though, I think about those people who "hate" their siblings and wonder what could cause them to do so. Sure, every kid has that angst age where their siblings are their worst enemies, but does that have to stay forever once it comes? It actually depresses me quite a bit, especially since the true source of their enmity can often spring from bad parenting or other traumatic events in their life that I will never understand. I guess this is just one more thing I can put on my "List of Things to Comprehend".
Anyway, I guess siblings are a whole other aspect of interactions between people, not quite like anything else you will find out there. Or if you have, let me know because that I have go to see.
Beginnings
If you meet me in person, you will soon come to realize that I talk a lot. Maybe I love the sound of my voice, maybe I think that my opinion is the only one that matters. I think the real reason is that my mind is racing with ideas and, unlike most people, I am okay with sharing all but my private, innermost thoughts with the world.
So here I go, exploring a new way to make sure at least one person in this world knows how I am thinking and feeling. That is, myself. I am not a great writer nor a great thinker, I am just an extrovert who needs to take a load off her mind and analyze her thoughts from the perspective of someone else.
So here I go, exploring a new way to make sure at least one person in this world knows how I am thinking and feeling. That is, myself. I am not a great writer nor a great thinker, I am just an extrovert who needs to take a load off her mind and analyze her thoughts from the perspective of someone else.
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